Harry Potter and the Attack of the Mary Sues
by Voldemorts.Girlies
Summary: The war against Voldemort long forgotten, can the Boy Who Lived survive the deadliest attack on Hogwarts yet? (By Bex and Vee) R&R, if you please.
1. Rape Snape!

**Disclaimer:** We, Bex and Vee, the authors, own nothing other than our insanely hilarious Mary-Sues and perhaps a few Chocolate Cockroach Cluster Sundaes. It's all JKR's (except for the lovely Destiny du Maurier, who belongs to the awesome **drama-princess**), and we're deliberately poking fun at it. It just seems to us that there's a lot of these silly characters going around. No seriousness intended on our parts.

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_Harry Potter and the Attack of the Mary Sues_

**Chapter One**

It was 1996, and everyone in the wizarding world seemed to have forgotten that there was a war going on. Instead, they passed their time by watching Muggle soap operas and eating chocolate ice cream, topped with Cockroach Clusters, which had been found to be _excellent_ sources of protein.

Students poured into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry by the gross, their parents obviously forgetting that there were at least two other wizarding schools in the world. Among these students was an astounding amount of busty young women from all over the globe, a vast majority of them belonging to Slytherin.

That year, when the Hat sorted the first years and the myriad new exchange students, it even exclaimed, "Great Merlin's Ghost! If I have to sit on another girl's head and yell Slytherin, I may well burst at my seams!"

Unfortunately for Professor McGonagall, and for the Hat, it did just that.

When "Romanovna, Olga!" was called, and a tall, willowy girl came to sit on the stool, and the Sorting Hat placed a top her pile of raven curls, it was forced to cry, grudingly, "Slytherin, damnit!" The girl sneered triumphantly, as was expected of any good Slytherin girl, and stood. The Hat disassembled itself and fell about her feet.

Snorting haughtily in an action quite familiar to that of a certain Potions professor, she slinked from the platform to the table where all her cunning Slytherin fellows resided.

"Hi!" she was greeted by the perky accent of "Mochrie, Michelle," who had been sorted just minutes before her. The girl was blonde and chipper, two things that Olga hated most in anyone. She prayed that someone would come and sit between them.

And, as if someone other than the authors could hear her thoughts, a pointy-nosed blonde boy pushed Michelle aside and sat next to Olga. "Hello there," he greeted in his all-too-silky-to-be-real voice. "I'm Draco Malfoy." He looked simply enamoured by her.

"Hello," Olga replied simply, not even looking at him. Her eyes were fixed on someone at the staff table. Whoever that man was... that twistedly handsome fellow with the black hair and eyes. Well, he was all she was going to be interested in. This Malfoy prat could go to Hell, for all she cared.

When Olga did not respond to any of his other various attempts to strike up conversation, Draco turned to the girl on his other side. "Hello there," he said to her, repeating his seductively suave tone, "I'm Draco Malfoy." He smiled and ran a hand through his platinum hair, looking about as fascinating as a male model.

"Hi!" Michelle repeated again, tossing her own naturally silky blonde hair about behind her. "I'm Michelle Mochrie. You can call me Mishy!" She beamed brightly, showing off her perfectly straight white teeth. "You're sexy, eh?" She batted her eyelashes prettily.

"Why, yes, I am." Draco had cocked his head to one side, and was proceeding to make strange facial expressions with his eyebrows. His head swivelled ridiculously, but Michelle did not seem to notice. She was laboring over the meaning of his eyebrows.

"You... want to meet me in the Astronomy tower at aboot nine, eh?" the blonde tossed her hair about a few more times.

"Yes!" Draco exclaimed, delighted that someone finally discovered the meaning behind his mysteriously rising and falling eyebrows, that never seemed to quite match the rest of his hair. He grinned devilishly, winking at Michelle, and leaving her with a swift, sloppy snog on the mouth.

A girl with black bobbed hair and a a squashy dog-like face came tromping up to Michelle and Olga. "You birds think you're going to steal my man, eh? Well... eat slugs!" She cried the inevitably cliche curse, just as she relaized her first sentence made her sound Candadian, like Michelle. She growled in spite of herself, and stormed away, before the curse even took effect.

Olga's eyes met Michelle's. She cocked an eyebrow questioningly. "_You_ stole her man? Just now?" The comment was not meant to seem insulting, so Michelle, somehow knowing this, did not take it as such.

"Er... yeah?" the blonde replied. She knew this, not by her keen observation skills, but by some Higher Knowledge that the author had given her. She was also surprised to find out that she knew the dog-faced girl was named Pansy Parkinson, and that she had had a crush on Draco for several years before. The Canadian shrugged, and smiled dumbly, in her annoyingly perfect way.

"Oh." The raven-haired Russian girl turned back to gaze at the dark man who sat at the staff table, only to notice he was gone. She swiveled about, in hopes of finding him again.

A voice spoke from behind her, "I suppose you were looking for me, then?" Without moving, she seemed to know her answer. She felt him lay a hand on her shoulder, and shivered at his touch. It was rather interesting, she thought, that he seemed to know what she was thinking. It was probably all part of his sexy and mysterious plan to seduce her. Of course it couldn't be those stupid authors letting him in on her secrets.

No one even seemed to notice that the author forgot to write in the beginning of the feast, as their plates lay empty and Dumbledore remained suspiciously silent. The only teacher, other than the sexy one, who moved was Professor McGonagall, who was too busy fretting over the state of the Sorting Hat to notice much else.

"Come with me," whispered the sexy professor, lips brushing against Olga's ear. She gladly obeyed, suddenly wondering why she had been written in as a seventh year student, instead of the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. But, when she bumped into Destiny du Maurier on the way out of the Great Hall, she suddenly understood why. There would be a bigger scandal this way.

Destiny, who was suddenly known to all as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, as well as an amazing romance novelist, blocked the door. "Severus!" she hissed at the sexy professor, "How dare you betray me with this young strumpet? I would have given you every mortal pleasure you could have hoped for, and we could even have shared in the iridescent wisps of mystery and joy that are reserved for the gods alone!" Her dark eyes narrowed dramatically, and she peered contemptuously at Olga. "And you, oily trollop, will pay for your lover's folly with something more valuable than your life!"

With those words, she stalked off, leaving Olga with several questions. "Girlfriend?" she inquired of Severus, whose statistics she still did not know. _Damnit!_ she thought, _why does the Canadian get omniscience and not I?_

The professor shook his head, cringing at the thought.

Shrugging, Olga laid a hand on the professor's arm. And suddenly, it came to her. He was Severus Snape, over twice her age, the Head of Slytherin House, Potions Master, and astoundingly good in bed. Grinning slyly, she nodded down the corridor, towards what she knew to be the direction of Snape's rooms, and asked, "Shall we?"


	2. Shiny Shininess

_Author's Note_: Yes, the song that Monique and Harry sing to each other is from Moulin Rouge. JRK owns Hogwarts and all related characters. However, Nikki Storms and Monique Du Bois are ..MINE, MINE, MINE! Erm.. yes.

The next day, Nicole Storms, resident American exchange student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was _sooo_ not digging the decor. Honestly, who in the bloody hell wanted a ceiling that looked like a sky? Wait, she wasn't British. Those silly American exchange students who randomly adopted and dropped accents.

Anyway, Nikki sat alone at the Slytherin table, watching the other students with interest. Her wavy, dirty blonde hair that flowed to her waist seemed to sparkle, attracting the attention of almost every male student in the Great Hall. Her eyes, although they seemed to oddly change color every five seconds, dazzled those who weren't captivated by her shiny, shiny hair.

If one wasn't blinded by the beams of light radiating from Nikki, they would have noticed a rather forlorn looking girl sitting beside her. While this girl bore a striking resemblance to Adriana Lima, she wasn't attracting very much attention to herself. Monique Du Bois, that was her name, and looking forlorn was her game. Err.. not so much.

"What year are you in?" Monique asked, praying that the shiny girl next to her was not a sixth year like her.

"Sixth." Nikki replied.

"Oh, that's fetch." Monique replied, suddenly adopting the opinion that maybe the authors had something against her.

"So, seen any guys that you think are hot?" Nikki asked, turning to Monique with astounding shininess.

Suprisingly, however, Monique wasn't blinded by the sparkley girl. In fact, Monique didn't even need to cover her eyes when talking to Nikki, like others had in the past. "There's this one gu-" Monique started, but was rudely interrupted before she could finish her sentence.

"OMIGAWD!111!" Nikki exclaimed, in a loud voice that would have turned everyone's attentions to her, had she not been so shiny. Apparently, all of their senses were dulled by her beauty.

"His name ..is.. Harry Potter." Monique said, miracously answering Nikki's thoughts. This was a feat not usually mastered by someone so disinterested in Divination or someone not psyhic, for that matter.

Nikki looked over at the Gryffindor table, it seemed she was psyhic, also, and spotted the bespeckled, messy-haired boy she knew to be Harry Potter.

"Ehh.. he's all right." Nikki said, shruging her shoulders.

"Are you joshing me!" Monique asked, her voice raising an octave with each syllable. This phrase seemed to give the rest of the inhabitants of the Great Hall their 5 senses back.

Just as Monique and Nikki were about to scratch at each other's faces, Draco Malfoy slid down the aisle on the other side of the Slytherin table. "Ladies, ladies.." He said, in a tone that Monique considered "too Enrico-Savuee" for her.

Monique stole a look at the Gryffindor table and spotted the object of her recent affections.

"Love lifts us up where we belong!" She sang out in a clear, beautiful tone. Everyone in the Great Hall promptly turned away from what they were doing to watch Monique.

"Where eagles fly on a mountain high!" Harry sang back in Monique's general direction in a tone deaf voice.

The two proceeded to croon lovingly at each other until they were out in the hall, when they promptly decided to find the nearest broom closet and make sweet, sweet love to each other. Yes, because this was completely in Harry's nature. Especially the broom closet. Something about them just drove him wild.

Meanwhile, Nikki and Draco had began to grope each other on the Slytherin table in the Great Hall. It was a good thing that Pansy Parkinson had vanished into thin air the day before, or else Nikki would _sooo_ be eating slugs instead of having Draco shoving his tounge down her throat.

Oddly, none of the teachers seemed to really care about the specticale of Nikki and Draco, in fact the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was cheering them on. After a few hours of missed classes and heavy petting, Draco finally suggested Nikki and him go to his room.

Niether Draco nor Nikki would be seen for the next twenty-four hours.


	3. Angst, like whoa

**Author's Note:** Most of this was written on little sleep and abundance of fortune cookies and fake!Twizzlers. Marvel in it's shiny greatness.

Bex

PS. The plaque mentioned in the following chapter is an actual meme, posted in many people's greatest- or livejournal userinfo. Also, I do not own any of this loverly crap, except maybe the Canadian Mary Sue Union. But that one is certainly debatable. Much much credit to Vee, JKR teh Goddess, and Reese Witherspoon (for playing in Legally Blonde).

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Mishy Mochrie sat, sulking in the Slytherin Common Room; she had no right to show so much angst only three chapters into the story, but she didn't really seem to care. The Canadian Mary Sue Union gave her the right to do whatever she wanted.

Feeling suddenly homesick, she drew her wallet from a random!pocket in her totally-out-of-dress-code Abercrombie Fitch jeans, which tastefully showed off her sparkly pink Frederick's of Hollywood thong, and plucked out her Canadian Mary Sue Union (hereafter known as CaMSU) membership card. Oh wait, no; that was her library card. The _red_ one, with the little maple leaf on it, was her CaMSU card. Anyway, she fondled it fondly, and remembered her home of Mounties and maple trees and a little tear ran down her incredibly smooth cheek.

Just as we all though the angst level could rise no higher in one room alone, in strolled the morning sunshine, accompanied by a little ferrety fellow. The room's occupants paused dramatically, and simultaneously put on matching Ray Ban® Aviators, smiling brightly as Bozo the Photographer snapped away with his camera, no doubt taking pictures for Witch Weekly.

Blinking at the shininess, Mishy suddenly realized that the little ferret-like boy, trailing in Shiny-Girl's wake, was the love of her life, Draco Malfoy. He was _so totally_ making goo-goo eyes at her. The Shiny-Girl. Not Mishy. And this observation outraged Mishy, causing the angst level to rise another fifty decibels. "Draco!" she exclaimed, the jealous blush on her cheeks rather becoming of her, "how _could_ you? You said you loved me, eh!"

The Shiny-Girl looked insulted that Mishy would ever even speak to Draco. She spoke, in a voice that could rival Reese Witherspoon's, "Tsch, didn't you, like, know? You and Draco are _so_ yesterday. Like whoa."

The other inhabitants of the Slytherin Common Room scoffed right along with her, causing Michelle to melt into her own little pool of teenage angst.

Draco finally pulled his gaze away from the Shiny-Girl, whose name was actually Nicole... something. He wasn't quite sure, as he had only met her the day before. He ran his fingers through his white-blond hair, in a manner that made many fangirls swoon, making his attempt to mask the less-than-skillful point-of-view change. He took a step closer to the puddle-that-was-once-Mishy. "I'm sorry, Mishy, dear. Didn't you read the sign?" He looked pointedly at the wall. Hanging there was a plaque, in semblance of those irritating color memes, that was green-and-silver striped. Below it was inscribed, _Slytherin is I'll-tell-you-I-love-you-so-I-can-get-in-your-pants-and-then-only-call-you-again-if-I'm-really-horny._

Nicole shook her hair, then, suddenly realizing that no one was paying attention to her shiny hair or her amazing, color-changing eyes. Theodore Nott, who had been hovering nearby, promptly went blind from the incredible radiance. He gasped in agony, and clutched his eyes, but no one seemed to notice, as they were once again mesmerized by Nikki's hair.


End file.
